Feels Good To Be Hungry Again...

So, quickquickquick update…

Last weekend, I don’t really remember exactly how I did… probably okish, edging toward the bad side… but oh well, its in the past now.

After that, I began to count cals more strictly, writing everything down again. Monday ate about 800 calories and… gained. Wth? I guess I’ve fucked up my metabolism up a bit more than I thought ://

Then after that all, I basically fasted all week until Monday, eating a few bites of lunch, and then the rest was liquids. Got down to about 142. Then ate about as any “normal” person would’ve eaten, basically, whatever I wanted through out the day without it turning into a binge, and still lost, bring me only a pound over my lowest weight.

Then it all went downhill this weekend. Binged and purged twice Saturday, and binged three times Sunday, but could only purge twice. Bleh. So, I ended up gaining a bunch. I’m ashamed and don’t really feel like typing the number. So I won’t. I’m hoping that some of it is water weight, so we’ll see…

On another note, I planned on joining the swim team. Mostly for the exercise, and the excuse it gave me to not eat Lol. The first practice was today, but I need insurance to participate. I don’t have it, and my mom’s being too cheap to even get my seasonal insurance, so there goes that idea probably. We’ll see what I can do…

Well, that’s about it I guess… I’ll try to post again/more.

Xx – H

P.S. Feels good to write everything down… I feel so much less stressed now Hah.

Quick...

I don't have internet at my house anymore, I guess my neighbors got theirs shut off... so now I'll be posting even more sporadically than i have been... typing this up quickly in biology, because it's the only chance i've gotten today. Sorry, and its not like i've been doing a great job of keeping up. Hope I'll be back soon.

Xx - H

Numb

Ok, so, I was supposed to fast today, but since I fail, it didn’t happen. Ate tator tots and salad for lunch… not horrible, but still, I wasn’t going to eat, wasn’t supposed to, and I did. So failure of day in my eyes.

I was so tempted to go into the bathroom after lunch and claw the food out of me. Even went as far as to ask the teacher for a bathroom pass. I probably would have to except there was a girl in the bathroom when I got in there, and one came in as the other left. I don’t know whether I’m grateful of that or not…

I’m hungry again since I’ve been binging lately.

On top of that, my stomach is killing me, and not even in hunger, which would be fine by me. It feels like I've eaten fire, and then a few handfuls of nails. I knew there was a reason I don’t like to at anymore. I just need to remember that, not have to constantly remind myself with the pain that comes along after I forget and give in.

Defiantly not eating dinner. I feel too sick. Will probably do a saltwater cleanse to clear myself out, and then another in the morning as well. Can’t be too careful. Gong to start bringing a water bottle to school as well. It serves as a reminder to drink water, and not to eat. I always end up drinking so much when I bring a water bottle I have to use the bathroom every hour if not more.

My mood keeps changing. One second I’m mad at myself. The next, I’m just mad in general. Then I’m on the verge of crying. Mostly I feel numb…

I just hope tomorrow is better…

Xx - H

So this will be a quick one...

K, so the last few days, have been total crap, and thats all on me. I've been a bingeaholic, and gained what feels like a lot, even though i'm only back up to about 145-146 again. Blahh.

Since it's after halloween and all, i'm just going to eat all the candy i can today and tonight, and get it over with. ill probably end up giving the rest away, or flushing it down the toilet...

Restarting again in a sense tomorrow... once again.

Already getting sick of the candy, but thats after quite a bit. i'm probably done for today except for another piece or two.


In other news...
Got new batteries for the wii, so i can get my weight to the tenth of a pound now, which is awesome.
I haven't been able to sleep much if i have food in my stomach lately. I'll fall asleep, but won't sleep well. Going to bed with no food in my stomach is the only way to ensure a good nights worth, and that means no more eating after around 4ish, or purging and then going to sleep. i prefer the first option...

And last but not least, since I'm restarting once again, i think i'm going to fast for a few days, and then start the ABC diet... I've tried to do both befroe, but I think i might actually have some success this time since i've made myself sick with candy today. I don't know, i'll probably post again later tonight or tomorrow morning once i think it all trough.


Thats it for now.
Xx - H