Numb

Ok, so, I was supposed to fast today, but since I fail, it didn’t happen. Ate tator tots and salad for lunch… not horrible, but still, I wasn’t going to eat, wasn’t supposed to, and I did. So failure of day in my eyes.

I was so tempted to go into the bathroom after lunch and claw the food out of me. Even went as far as to ask the teacher for a bathroom pass. I probably would have to except there was a girl in the bathroom when I got in there, and one came in as the other left. I don’t know whether I’m grateful of that or not…

I’m hungry again since I’ve been binging lately.

On top of that, my stomach is killing me, and not even in hunger, which would be fine by me. It feels like I've eaten fire, and then a few handfuls of nails. I knew there was a reason I don’t like to at anymore. I just need to remember that, not have to constantly remind myself with the pain that comes along after I forget and give in.

Defiantly not eating dinner. I feel too sick. Will probably do a saltwater cleanse to clear myself out, and then another in the morning as well. Can’t be too careful. Gong to start bringing a water bottle to school as well. It serves as a reminder to drink water, and not to eat. I always end up drinking so much when I bring a water bottle I have to use the bathroom every hour if not more.

My mood keeps changing. One second I’m mad at myself. The next, I’m just mad in general. Then I’m on the verge of crying. Mostly I feel numb…

I just hope tomorrow is better…

Xx - H