Feels Good To Be Hungry Again...

So, quickquickquick update…

Last weekend, I don’t really remember exactly how I did… probably okish, edging toward the bad side… but oh well, its in the past now.

After that, I began to count cals more strictly, writing everything down again. Monday ate about 800 calories and… gained. Wth? I guess I’ve fucked up my metabolism up a bit more than I thought ://

Then after that all, I basically fasted all week until Monday, eating a few bites of lunch, and then the rest was liquids. Got down to about 142. Then ate about as any “normal” person would’ve eaten, basically, whatever I wanted through out the day without it turning into a binge, and still lost, bring me only a pound over my lowest weight.

Then it all went downhill this weekend. Binged and purged twice Saturday, and binged three times Sunday, but could only purge twice. Bleh. So, I ended up gaining a bunch. I’m ashamed and don’t really feel like typing the number. So I won’t. I’m hoping that some of it is water weight, so we’ll see…

On another note, I planned on joining the swim team. Mostly for the exercise, and the excuse it gave me to not eat Lol. The first practice was today, but I need insurance to participate. I don’t have it, and my mom’s being too cheap to even get my seasonal insurance, so there goes that idea probably. We’ll see what I can do…

Well, that’s about it I guess… I’ll try to post again/more.

Xx – H

P.S. Feels good to write everything down… I feel so much less stressed now Hah.

Quick...

I don't have internet at my house anymore, I guess my neighbors got theirs shut off... so now I'll be posting even more sporadically than i have been... typing this up quickly in biology, because it's the only chance i've gotten today. Sorry, and its not like i've been doing a great job of keeping up. Hope I'll be back soon.

Xx - H

Numb

Ok, so, I was supposed to fast today, but since I fail, it didn’t happen. Ate tator tots and salad for lunch… not horrible, but still, I wasn’t going to eat, wasn’t supposed to, and I did. So failure of day in my eyes.

I was so tempted to go into the bathroom after lunch and claw the food out of me. Even went as far as to ask the teacher for a bathroom pass. I probably would have to except there was a girl in the bathroom when I got in there, and one came in as the other left. I don’t know whether I’m grateful of that or not…

I’m hungry again since I’ve been binging lately.

On top of that, my stomach is killing me, and not even in hunger, which would be fine by me. It feels like I've eaten fire, and then a few handfuls of nails. I knew there was a reason I don’t like to at anymore. I just need to remember that, not have to constantly remind myself with the pain that comes along after I forget and give in.

Defiantly not eating dinner. I feel too sick. Will probably do a saltwater cleanse to clear myself out, and then another in the morning as well. Can’t be too careful. Gong to start bringing a water bottle to school as well. It serves as a reminder to drink water, and not to eat. I always end up drinking so much when I bring a water bottle I have to use the bathroom every hour if not more.

My mood keeps changing. One second I’m mad at myself. The next, I’m just mad in general. Then I’m on the verge of crying. Mostly I feel numb…

I just hope tomorrow is better…

Xx - H

So this will be a quick one...

K, so the last few days, have been total crap, and thats all on me. I've been a bingeaholic, and gained what feels like a lot, even though i'm only back up to about 145-146 again. Blahh.

Since it's after halloween and all, i'm just going to eat all the candy i can today and tonight, and get it over with. ill probably end up giving the rest away, or flushing it down the toilet...

Restarting again in a sense tomorrow... once again.

Already getting sick of the candy, but thats after quite a bit. i'm probably done for today except for another piece or two.


In other news...
Got new batteries for the wii, so i can get my weight to the tenth of a pound now, which is awesome.
I haven't been able to sleep much if i have food in my stomach lately. I'll fall asleep, but won't sleep well. Going to bed with no food in my stomach is the only way to ensure a good nights worth, and that means no more eating after around 4ish, or purging and then going to sleep. i prefer the first option...

And last but not least, since I'm restarting once again, i think i'm going to fast for a few days, and then start the ABC diet... I've tried to do both befroe, but I think i might actually have some success this time since i've made myself sick with candy today. I don't know, i'll probably post again later tonight or tomorrow morning once i think it all trough.


Thats it for now.
Xx - H

Back On Track :)

So, I haven’t posted since Sunday. Bad me. Besides that, I've been doing really well if I do say so myself. Well on food at least, not so much on exercise. Give me another day or two and ill be back on the treadmill each day.

Food wise, I’m in control for once I feel. Sunday my calculations were pretty close. Total of about 700. Monday was about the same. Ended up almost fasting since I passed out the minute I got home from studying at the library, but then when I woke up a few hours later, I thought I should eat something, but got a bit out of hand. It could’ve been so much more, so I’m just going to accept what happened…

Yesterday I planed on having a snack when I got home, maybe some chex mix or something like that, about 2-300 calories or so, and I did have that, but then on top of that was basically force-fed dinner. Blehh. Ended up purging a lot though, as much as I could, and did yet another sea salt water cleanse. (These are my new best friends. I’ve pretty much convinced my mom I can’t really eat at the moment, since my stomach gets so upset each time I do… Hah) so I'm not sure how much I actually kept inside me, but it was pretty low, I'm almost positive…

Today went really well too… all I’ve eaten is about a tablespoon or strawberry jelly. I was so tempted to eat, but I refrained. I just had the jelly to see if it would get rid of my hunger headache I’ve had all day. It helped a bit, but next time ill just take some pain pills. Jelly for dinner, and i had a few sips of chocolate milk at lunch, because after I told friends that I haven't had much to eat in the past few days, they were pushing me to eat... Note to self, be careful what you say to certain people -.-

As for weight… I finally lost! Yay, happy dance. Dropped to 144 (two pounds!! (: ) after my almost fast Monday… not exactly sure how it happened since I ended up binging instead of fasting… I’m pretty sure I’ve lost since then too, but haven’t been able to weigh… I need batteries for the Wii fit. That way I can weigh without sneaking into my moms room, worrying or getting caught weighing myself constantly. It’s not weird if it’s a videogame. Plus, I actually like doing the stair step while watching TV… extra workout.

Last but not least… I can already tell that I’m losing some of the gained inches again. Yay! My thighs and calves are each down ≥ ½inch, and my waist, hips and bust down closer to ¾ - 1 inch.

Feels great to be back on track.

Night,

Xx - H

Failure

Three words. Epic Fucking Fail. That’s all I can say… about tonight, about me. William, I just read your comment, and I feel like I failed you as well. Three binge days in a row… I wish I could say that this is the worst, but I’ve had worse periods…

Can’t even purge, because I already finished my shower, can’t take another, and I cant make myself purge into the toilet. It’s just impossible. I don’t know why, but I just can’t do it. If only they were asleep, I would do it in the kitchen sink, but that’s not an option either.

Doing another one of my sea salt cleanses, and I can feel it working right now… give it another 10 minutes max and I’ll be on the toilet again… oh joy. Better than allowing this food sit inside me. I think once I feel emptied out from the first glass of my “magic water” I’ll force down another one. Just to make sure, just to be safe. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight…

Just added everything up… my totals for today is about 600-700 calories. Not bad, I guess. Just seems so horrible since I was actually having a good day for once. Ugh. Not sure if I’m going to fast tomorrow, or just start ABC diet. Not my cheaters version, but the real one… we’ll see I guess. I think this is my last post for the night, but that might change… if not,

Night-night

Xx – H

P.s. is this too much writing? Should I compress my day into just one post? Its just easier for my to write what I’m thinking when I’m thinking it…

Tictacs

Just got back from the store. Stupid me bought tic-tacs. Stupid me put them in my pocket instead of the bag. Stupid me opened the container. Stupid me shook out a tic-tac and ate it. Fast-forward, they’re all gone, and now my stomach hurts. Blehh. Now I have 114 calories inside me. I was doing good too.

On the bright side, I got hair dye, and I’m going to dye it tonight. Fun fun. I’ll probably do it just before dinner is done so I’ll have an excuse not to eat. Mom didn’t really buy the whole still not feeling good bit.

I'm starting to cramp, and I know what that means… it seems I’m in a cycle. I get super motivated right before my period, and then all hope ceases to exist once I start -.- I hope I don’t let that happen this time, but I feel as if I can stay on track this time. I will workout, at least a bit every day, and I will not eat everything in sight.

I think I’ll have my monster now, so it will be kicked in by the time I start my hair, which will probably be in about half an hour. And I think ill save my mints for tomorrow since I already ate the tic-tacs. Ill save them for lunch tomorrow… Dinner for today will consist of probably about a quart of green tea, if I have enough teabags left… I hope so.