Good morning! Woke up about 20? minutes ago went to the bathroom, then picked at my face for a questionable amount of time. It could’ve been 20 minutes, could’ve been five. I’m not sure. But when I heard mom’s alarm clock go off, I realized how late it was. I knew I probably wouldn’t get back to sleep, tough I will still try once I finish this passage. But I know I won’t. I might lay here for about ten minutes, then give up on it. Then I’ll get up, and begin my day officially. I’ll do my hair, possibly change. Maybe even wander out of my room, or just sit and watch TV. but it will all be done so I can waste a bit of time. I just want to make it until they leave, until I’m alone. Then I can weigh myself. That’s what I’ve been getting at this whole time, I now realize. I really need to know how much I weigh right now. You have no idea…I guess I’ll try to go back to sleep for the 25 minutes I have left until my alarm goes off, and maybe this time I’ll actually get back to sleep.
6:00a.m.
I didn’t even last ten minutes lying down. Today is going to be Hell… I’m going to watch music videos for a while, then actually start on my hair. I hate that I have over 40 minutes to wait… why can’t they leave earlier, both of them….
On another note, I’m so hungry right now. I have yogurt in the freezer I made last night, that’s for breakfast. It should be frozen solid so I can savor it today. That’s probably all that I will have until I can get home from school. Ill try to restrict later too, maybe just not eat. But if I do, I can have either a bowl of cereal (100 calories) some broccoli (75) or if I feel I can go on only lettuce, I’ll have cup or two of that (30-60). I really need to/want to/have to work out today. There’s no question about that. How much I do depends on how much I eat though. If I do well, I might just go to the pool for a few ours. I might do that and work out, just because. Then I would eat less to… I think I’ll go to the pool after school, especially if it’s hot. I might have another little bowl of yogurt before that, but nothing more.
I figure if I swim, I can easily burn over 300 calories per hour. I'll count it as 100 per hour to be safe. So if I swim for two hours minimum, then work out and burn 300 calories, I can burn 500 calories. If I eat everything that I’ve just listed, ill only ingest about 315 calorie. This sounds good, because even with all the food, I’ll be in the negative, and I don’t plan on eating it all. I might even go walking to waste some time, and that’s even more calories burned. I might lose a pound or two today if everything goes as planned…
I’m actually excited about today now. I think I’ll start on my hair.
7:30a.m.
On the bus now. Didn’t have time to eat yogurt, but its probably for the best. I gained .2lbs from yesterday. Its odd how I can lose on a day when I eat 1325 calories, and gain on a day when I eat 860. Whatever.
Super hyper. With three hours of sleep, and two cups of coffee in me, today is going to be fun, or at least interesting.
The stairs in school are killing my legs. It’s a good thing.
I should burn off the 25 calories I’ve ingested as sugar, probably by the time I reach school. Today I’ll be running on empty. Also a good thing.
My hair actually looks good today.
That’s it for now.
9:40a.m.
I’m so sick. The coffee is screwing with my stomach so bad right now. Earlier, it was so much worse. Right after I wrote the last entry, it hit me. The bumps were torture. I almost puked. When we got to school, as I was walking I thought I would collapse, my legs about to give out on me. I’m better now, but still feeling like crap.
12:40p.m.
Lunchtime!! Except I'm not eating. I’m sitting in my 5ht hour class browsing the web. My stomach is still super upset, so I'm not going to eat. I probably wont eat later either, maybe the yogurt if I have to eat something or I think I can handle it. Maybe this will be the start of a fast, as I've already gone almost 18 hours without eating. By the time school gets out, it will be 20.5ish. Its going to be left-overs for dinner, so if I don’t eat, its unlikely that it will go noticed. Maybe ill pretend to eat my yogurt or a bowl of noodles and butter. I shouldn’t have too, though, hopefully.
P.S. The rest of today's post will be added tomorrow ASAP. again, sorry for the inconvenient way I've been posting
P.P.S. All coments and other postings by all of the lovely people will probably be looked at and replied to on sunday's only. Sorry.
So, today has gone mostly as planned. I ate a bit more than I expected this morning, but not too much. I can still work it off times here if I go hard. Like really hard… I ended up having the yogurt, and two tablespoons of breadcrumbs. That should let me power through a few hundred calories… I also had some almond milk when I got back from the library, and a few swallows of minute maid I think I’ll go work out soon, maybe at 5ish, because mom is starting dinner, I think. I also need to go the corner store soon, get a soda so I can use the can in a school project were doing tomorrow…
While at the library, I got some of the things on my to at library list done, about half I think. I thought id have more time. I still got a few of the music videos I meant to, pro ana tips and quotes, a calories burned chart, fasting tips, flexibility moves, a general sizing chart for US clothing, vegan info, and I calculated my body fat. The only things I didn’t get was books, pro ana recipes, I didn’t do anything on blogger, didn’t get hair tutorials or thinspo downloaded, and I didn’t get any of the specific cal info. Oh well, I'm going to start going to the library after school if I can and I can get what I missed over the next week or two.
I haven’t had much time to read all the information that I found, as I only got up the website, did a quick read over to see if it was the info I wanted, then went on to find the next item on my list. That’s my personal homework for tonight, to at least skim all of the pages, and then save them to my computer so I have them whenever I need them.
As for my body fat, I was super surprised at the number I got. It was 21.51%. That’s in the lowest part of the fitness zone Crazy right? I exercise, but I don’t do it nearly enough, and its not as if I train or anything… I don’t really think its accurate, but ill just let myself be happy with the number until I can get to school tomorrow and try a few other web calculators, see if the one I used was actually accurate.
I don’t really have anything to write at the moment, so I guess ill read my info I found, save it and what not, then go workout.
7p.m.
Well, just finished my 6th binge in three days :[ I really need to stop this!
I’m about to go throw up, but I wanted to get my reasoning down in writing before I do so. The binge started with me grabbing a piece of garlic bread to eat on my way out the door, to the convenience store. I ate it, and that was that. I was full, and I may not have even eaten dinner. But I kind of had to, since it was a special meal that I've been asking about and mom finally made it. So I'm thinking, and it’s already past six, and I figure ill just eat first, then workout after. So I eat. I could’ve even stopped myself there, after the main part of the meal. But then I went back or another piece of garlic bread. By the time I finished that, I was so full, and felt I was about to burst. I knew I wouldn’t be able to efficiently work out, so I just decided I would purge everything I could, as that would get rid of more calories than working out at a pathetic pace. Then I ate two muffins to top it off. That was a few minutes ago, so now I'm going to jump in the shower to get rid of this crap inside me.
9p.m.
Got out of the shower about an hour ago. Threw up throughout the entire event of showering, to make sure I got as much as possible up. I chugged a bunch of soda before the first two times, then a lot of water, then took my time eating ice before the last two times. In the end, my stomach was clenching in agony, but at least I got as much up as I could…
Since then, I've had two muffins, and ten gummy vitamins. I’m so disgusted with myself. I just can’t stop, can I?
Now I’m drinking my Monster I got, so I probably won’t get more than four hours of sleep tonight. I deserve to suffer…
Calorie intake –
1/2 c yogurt - 50
1/4 tsp sugar - 4
2 tablespoons bread crumbs - 60
1 c almond milk - 35
Diet minute maid - 15
Binge-
Garlic bread - 210
Pasta - 200
Sauce - 150
Meatball - 40
Parmesan cheese - 60
Muffin - 370
Purge
Muffins – 320
Gum – 20
Vitamins – 150
Monster – 0
Total – 860
I hate myself
Moving on…
Haven’t cleaned at all… so that’s probably what ill spend my sleepless night doing. My room first, then my bathroom sink and counter. The laundry I needed to do is half done, my bedding and the last 1/3 of my clothes is in the dryer at the moment. I’m just waiting for the caffeine to kick in before I start cleaning. For now I type…
I still haven’t mentioned my weight yet, have I? It’s actually probably the highest point of my day. 142. Anyone else surprised? I sure was. When I got to weigh, both mom and her bf were in the kitchen/living room area, and I actually almost got to weigh like I usually do. I took off my jean shorts this time, but I didn’t take my tee off. Too risky. I had to weigh five times instead of three to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, or the scale wasn’t off. The battery is running really low, and sometimes it acts screwy when its hungry for batteries… finally I stopped, getting paranoid, and decided to accept the number as my real weight.
About twenty minutes later, I decided to weigh on the Wii also, so I had a record of today’s weight, and to confirm, my weight. I guess I still didn’t really trust the scale… I said my clothes (The shorts and tee shirt weighed 1lb, and weighed. It also said 142, exactly, and that I had lost 1.1lbs from yesterday. It was probably a little more than that, closer to 142.5lbs, but that’s still a loss from yesterday. I couldn’t believe it. Yesterday night, I knew, knew that I would gain. However, I didn’t. I guess I purged better than I thought. But still I would gain a bit from bloat and whatnot. However, I didn’t. I’m glad for that, and thankful, but puzzled. My calorie count was still so high, high enough that I should’ve gained a few pounds; at least that’s what it seems to me. However, I accept the number, and say thanks to my miraculous body for still shedding weight even after I stuff it full the body works in strange ways.
I think I’ve decided to go vegan. I just need to finish/get rid of the fish I have in the freezer. Fish is my favorite. It’s so good. It’s another one of my weaknesses. Besides fish, the only other kind of meat I like is turkey, but lately it seems that even that tasted off in my mouth. I can tell it makes my mom mad that I don’t like meat anymore, but I just don’t. Its not even something I can control, its just happening. However, it does play in my favor. It’s easier to resist something with meat in it if it tastes rancid if only to you… I got s book from the library with tons of recipes in it, so I’ll read that later if I still can’t sleep from the caffeine. I’ve yet to finish the part in The House on Mango Street I was supposed to read this weekend, but I’ll just read it while I wait for the bus and while I’m on it.
That’s about it for now, but I’ll probably write again before I go to sleep… off to clean!!!
11:30p.m.
I still haven’t done all that much cleaning, but I felt the urge to write. I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow, but I think I can push my little weekly goal a bit farther. If l lose tomorrow, or even if I'm still at 142, I think I'm going to try for the 130s this week. I think I can do it, I know I can do it, if I try hard enough. I can almost taste it. I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t in the 150s, except for last year when I was doing good, and now. I’m pretty sure I’m at my lowest weight since 4th/5th grade. Maybe 3rd…
Just a few minutes ago, I impulsively tried on my current goal jeans. I actually have about nine pairs of goal jeans, the first few pair going down by a size or two each pair. I just recently got into my first two pairs of goal jeans, about two weeks ago, maybe less. It felt great walking the halls in my first pair, even if they were still a size 11.
However, my current pair is a size 9. Still way to big, but I'm almost in them. I just need to lose about ½ an inch, maybe ¾ of an inch in my thighs for them to fit. And maybe ½ an inch in my hips. I’m just waiting for them to get to the point where the pockets don’t pucker at my hips from the jeans being to tight, and when I can slip the jeans on with out having to pull them up three or four times before they are all the way up my thighs. I really hate my thighs…
Earlier when I looked in the mirror, I could actually tell that I've lost some weight. These moment are rare for my, when I can remember what I looked like, and can actually compare myself then and now in my head. They’re rare, and last only a few moments. I savored this moment, pulling my tee shirt taunt against my hips, over my loosening yoga pants, both items where I think I need in a smaller size. I admired my ribs, which I can actually count now, looking in the mirror across the room. I pulled at the excess fabric that hung on my body. I also realized that along with new jeans, I think I need to go down a size in my cami tank tops. They still mostly fit in the ribcage area, but are too big in the waist, gaping in the hallow spot where my rib cage doesn’t meet in the middle. I actually have a tank in a size smaller, that I convinced my mom would fit me, and she got it because it was on sale.Its sitting in the drawer designated for my goal clothes that I haven’t hung up, the ones still so much smaller than would fit on this body. I need to check my theory on tank tops soon though. Other things that I think I need in a smaller size are new cargo pants. When I wore them last week, I had my phone in the side leg pocket, and had to keep yanking the pants up every time I took more than ten steps. Even that slight weight made me sag. It made me happy. But I'm still not sure if a small would fit, as that’s the next size down. They’re loose, but not too much so. I got the pants sometime last year, and they were slightly too tight for them to qualify as fitting. That didn’t really stop me from wearing them, though I now know that I shouldn’t’ve. They were tight in the thigh when I sat down and my legs spread out like a puddle of water. I’m honestly surprised I didn’t rip them, split them right down the seams.
As for jeans, I really just need new skinny jeans. The grey ones that I have are starting to stretch and get deformed like the last pair. When I got these ones, I didn’t switch sizes, as the jeans just stretched. This time though, I think I might fit into the smaller size, but it’s a long shot. The pants I’m talking about come in sizes small, medium, large, and extra large. I currently have a size large. The only thing that gives me hope is that last time when the jeans got stretched and deformed, they stayed tight in the calves, since they don’t move as much as the points in the knee, thigh and hip. My current pair are beginning to loosen in the calf. This gives me a shard of hope. Hope can be dangerous thing. Because if I try on the jeans and they don’t fit, more than likely ill be crushed into smithereens. It would kill me to get my hopes up so high, then to sink down so low…
On the upside, we probably won’t go shopping until another two or three weeks. That gives me more time to lose. By then, I might be working toward goal three. I might even have hit it, and be on my way to goal four. I can dream, but I can also make it happen. And I will. Everyday is a new one. And every yesterday is in the past, so I don’t plan on looking back and regretting this weekend, or even today. I just have to make sure I make the best out of tomorrow.
In other news…
I think I'm going to dye my hair again soon. Yay! Maybe even two different colors. I’m thinking maybe black on top, red on the bottom. Bright red. Red that’s in competition with Annie's red. That red. This would happen in another two or three weeks as well, once we get caught up with the bills and whatnot. I might also get my nose pierced, on the side though id much rather have it done in the middle, whatever you call it (Sorry, I know it, its just slipped my mind). Also, get my cartilage pierced, and try to convince mom to buy me a new pair of bigger gauges. I’m pretty sure a 8 will fit in my ear, even though I only have 12s in at the moment, but the 12s are pretty loose, and they move around a lot and fall out easily, like if I tap it the wrong way.
Its almost 12:20(Yeah, Yeah, I type slow. The document closed a few times too L) and my room is still a mess. The caffeine high is also beginning to wear off, so I'm going to clean real quick, then reed over the vegan cookbook I got, then proceed to pass out. Night!!
Well, first of all, sorry for the inconvenient way I've been posting. The only way I get Internet is if I go outside or miraculously find a connection in my room…Oh, and sometimes I find Internet when I'm sitting on the toilet. Oh joy.
Wait, now I don’t even have Internet if I go outside. Arggg… so from now on it will probably be from school or the library, until we actually get Internet. I had been using my unsuspecting neighbors… Sigh.
As for the rest of the day and how it went… on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is eat everything in sight, and 10 is eat nothing at all, and work out for an hour… I’d give myself a three, maybe a four. I didn’t eat everything in the house, but I did eat quite a lot, and didn’t work out either. But I did purge.
I ended up bingeing a total of four times (!!!) today, and I purged twice… how? Well, I threw up I'm the kitchen sink the second time, when I know I wouldn’t be interrupted. Wasn’t as easy as in the shower, but easier than kneeling at the toilet… I'll have to experiment with it a bit more…
Here is my intake for today before I get off the subject…
1 egg yolk, 3 egg whites - 110
1 English muffin - 130
2 bites breakfast Quesada – 50
Binge -
2 c. frosted flakes - 320
1 1/3 c almond milk – 47
4 servings sugar free Jell-O – 20
Binge -
3 slices bread - 210
1/2 tablespoon lite butter - 25
3 slices turkey - 25
Peanut butter – 200
½ c yogurt - 50
Diet minutemaid – 15
Binge -
Oatmeal – 50
Peanut butter – 100
Whole frozen yogurt oatmeal bar – 97
Popcorn – 250
Purge
Binge -
Peanut butter - 75
5 curly fries - 50
Ketchup - 50
Arby's sauce - 75
Java shake - 100
Frosted flakes - 160
Almond milk - 35
Turkey – 25
Purge
So, that was my day food wise. My calculation for the food I actually kept in me is about 1325 calories. Ughh… I need to stop with the super huge numbers… tomorrow is so going to be a gain… no getting around it. All I can hope for is that I'm only at 144 and not 145… I think I’m going to set a little goal for this week… I think I want to be down to 141 by Saturday. Pretty easy goal, since id only have to lose 3 pounds if I gain one tomorrow, and I’d like to think that some of the weight I will gain tomorrow is post binge/purge bloat… I hope it is anyway… plus usually when I go up really fast like this, my body lets me let go of the weight pretty easy if I don’t over do it on eating, and do a nice mid intensity workout…but I really do need to start working out everyday. I should be able to fit in a 25-30 minute workout in each day after school. And once I do it its out of the way…
Moving on…
Earlier, the thing I wanted to write about was the fact that I may not have even gained today. I weighted with shorts and a tee shirt on only, but sometimes if I take off my bra and panties that can cause me to go down. If I weighed on the wii, I might have gotten a good number, but when I did weigh on it, I had already eaten and drank some. No way to know if that was my real weight or not… IDK
There was one thing on my food intake list that I ate a lot of, multiple times. Peanut butter has got to be one of my bigger weaknesses. If I had just not eaten the PB today, I would’ve eaten over 300 calories less. I can eat that stuff by the finger or spoon full. We have a 4lb jar of it in the pantry right now, half gone, and I’ve probably eaten 75% of it. It calls to me each time I open the pantry door… I wish it would shut up… I think I need to move the jar to the back, hide it behind a few cans or something…
The last thing that I had made a note to write about is that I am going to eat as little as possible tomorrow. Yes I say this every day to myself, but for tomorrow I swear to try my hardest to avoid food in its entirety. This is probably not the best time to do this, as my mom is making a meal tomorrow that I specifically requested, so it would be odd of me not to have any. But the plans for tomorrow might allow me to workout before dinner, then purge after I eat a small portion. Then I might have some yogurt or a frozen oatmeal bar, like I had today. And if I have the bar, I need to actually freeze it all the way, not half, so it’s actually frozen, not cold. Or maybe a bag of lettuce, that’s only 60 calories… or I can just have a large salad, like half a bag, then a small portion of dinner, then save the rest of the lettuce for a night snack, and not have to purge. I need to get out of this cycle, anyways. I’ve binged/purged as much in the past two days as I do in a usual month…
The no purge option sounds the best, and maybe ill have a tiny bowl of yogurt before I go to the library tomorrow, so that I have something in my stomach before I workout, but it will be digested enough by the time I begin as not to upset my stomach. The energy should last through the trip to the library and my workout, and the workout should starve off the hunger enough to last me till dinner. If not, ill make myself go swimming or walk around the block, keep myself busy while burning additional calories. Plus if I walk long enough I can probably have a dessert yogurt or oatmeal bar… I’ve just got to stop eating at about 7ish. Hopefully dinner is done by then, because mom usually makes dinner pretty late. It usually ranges between 5:30 and 7.if she does make it late, ill probably just have dinner and then wait a bit and finish my lettuce a bit later, about 8:30ish. 30 calories wont harm me even after *dinner* time. I also need to start back up on doing sit-ups each night. Ill start at 50, like I did last time, and add 10 ever week or so, build it up so I can do hundreds in a row. I have abs, I promise you, they’re just kind of shy and hiding behind the fat.
I think I'm going to go to sleep. It’s a bit past two, and hopefully I can sleep in till around 11 tomorrow. Then laze around a bit, make my yogurt about 11:30, so it’s frozen and I can eat it before we go. I also need to do my hair before we leave, and ill probably do that after the yogurt is done. I need to clean my bedroom, my bathroom counter and sink, and do a load of laundry, both bedding and clothes. These things ill spit up between the parts of the day, before errands and after. I can probably do bedroom as I do hair, go back and forth, and then it should be time to go once I'm done with the pre-errand items. We’ll probably get back about 2-2:30ish, and then I’ll be at the workout room by 3 at the latest. I might try to drag it out so I can go a bit later, but it depends on my mood. Do I want to get it over with? Or do I want to wait it out, go right before I grab a snack, stuff my face, as to give me less time to wait for dinner, less time to screw it all up… I wont know until tomorrow, but I hope I’m strong enough to pick the latter, to be strong enough to resist the hunger until right before it consumes me, then, then go to the workout room, run on an empty stomach until just before I pass out, whittling myself down to perfection… then go home eat my meager portion of food, and then quite possibly leave to burn more calories. I hope. I hopehopehope I am strong enough. I still haven’t found that grain of strength in my veins, in my bones, if it even exists, but maybe tomorrow is the day I prove it to myself… Maybe.
So as for last night’s binge. The way I figure, I ate an additional 1200ish calories. Eww. Them I threw as much as I could up. Still eww, but better. Plus, I puked so much; I began to get to the popcorn that I had eaten earlier…
But I still gained. I’m back up to 143, and it kind of sucks. I just wish I worked out a little longer, or just got in the shower once I got home without stuffing my face, then preceded to pass out. Then I’m pretty positive I wouldn’t be at this weight right now. And yah, it’s only a pound, but that means a lot to me right now. And yes, I’ll be back down to 142/141 tomorrow if I’m a good little girl, but it still puts me back a day. Arggg… Its’ all my fault, though, so I cant blame anyone but myself…
As for measurements, I said I would post them, so here they are…
Above Bust – 31.5
Bust – 34
Ribcage – 28.5
Waist – 16.25
High Hip – 35.25
Hip – 36.5
Thigh – 23
Calf – 14.5
High Arm – 11.25
Low Arm - 10
Wrist – 6
With these measurements, and all the others I take, I lost a total of 2.5 inches. Not very impressive, but oh well. I can hope for a better week this week so I lose more, and do something about it… I need to put this in my little box for goals, but my physical goal is to fit into a size 3 at the moment. That’s a body measurement of 33bust 25waist 35hip and 20½thigh. My thighs are obviously my problem area. They make me have to wear jeans two or three sizes bigger than my bust/waist/hip size :( Usually, the more I work out, the more I’ll lose in my thighs, and I think its because for the most part, I either jog on the treadmill, walk at an incline on the treadmill, or use the stationary bike. So if I increase time working out ill get there… But I hate working out D:
Sorry, I'm a whiner.
There were a few more things I wanted to write about, but I can’t remember them now… I guess ill post them later if I remember them…
Note-for some reason, my computer just would not let me connect to the internet, so heres the posts i intended to post last night, but couldn't...
During…
Working out really sucks right now. :// With every step I take, it feels as if someone is shoving a metal rod deeper into my leg bones. I guess ill take some pain pills when I get home, or take a nice long relaxing hot bath, and chill out. Since tomorrows the weekend, I can stay up as long s I want, and sleep as late as I want. Yay! I’m aiming to burn somewhere in the 200-300 zone, but I don’t know how long I can run or walk at an incline with the pain… but I'm going to stop whining, and get back to my workout, and go until I feel my legs are about to fall off…
Later…
So, got done working out about an hour ago? Something like that. Burned 311 calories, in just over 30 minutes, so I'm happy with that. I just wish I could’ve done more, but for one, my legs hurt. I need to stop bitching about it, but it’s just the truth. And two, four hours of sleep is not what someone should be working out on, especially after school, and at 10 at night :// did plenty of stretching in intervals, so hopefully I'm not any sorer tomorrow so I can work out again. I think ill try to work out in the morning, shortly after I wake up, either before or after I eat, which ever. That way, it’s out of my way. The only problem I have with working out in the morning is the fact that I can’t work out again, without bringing too much attention to myself, I’m afraid. Someone would say something, I know it :[
And with out the option of working out again, what do I do if I over eat? It’s almost like a paradox… I mean, I could purge, but what if it’s early in the day when I binge, and I think ill end up needing to purge later in the day too? I can’t puke in the toilet. It’s like physically impossible for me. The only way for me to do it is by getting into the shower, turning the water on hot, and then shoving my fingers down my thought. If I don’t, I make so muck more noise, and the walls of the apartment are superthin, and you can hear almost anything. Paired with my mom’s super hearing, I’m surprised that I can purge at all.
So, changing the subject. I did pretty well on water today. Ended up drinking approximately 96 oz. during school, and another 64 after school, including the 2 cups of ice I've already had, and the two cups I probably will have minimally as the night progresses. If I hadn’t stopped drinking water around 6th hour, I probably wouldn’t’ve eaten the ¼ of the bagel that I think started my downward spiral today. Sigh I guess I just have to learn from my mistakes…
Food intake –
2 gummy bears - 19
13 jelly beans - 69
1 pack smarties - 25
5 pretzels - 10
Gum - 5
1/4 large bagel - 115?
Lunchable - 200
1/2blueberries w/tsp sugar - 55
1/2 c. puffed rice cereal - 35
2 gummy vitamins - 30
1c. Diet muinutemaid - 15
Popcorn – 200
Total intake – 788
Workout – (-311)
Total calories – 467
Ramen & Poptarts
The two most evil foods in my book, I think. They’re at least up there. And that’s what I binged on :[ two packages of ramen, one of poptarts. I think we can all guess what happened next… so I kind of blew my cal total, I'm pretty sure, though I haven’t really calculated it. Too tired, it’s almost 3am… but I will say that the popcorn I ate earlier began to come up too. Not a whole lot, but enough to make a difference, possibly.
So now I'm going to go to sleep, or rather collapse onto the bed and immediately pass out. Updates tomorrow, and measurements. Night! (Or is it morning already?)
This morning i woke up after getting a total of about four hours of sleep pretty optimistic about today. this feeling was reinforced once i got on the scale. first i weighed with my kitty cat in my arms and came up with a 149. my cat weighs eight pounds. so i thought YayYayYay! i put her down and stepped back on, with nothing on but my usual bra and panties. 141. Step off. Step on. 141. once more i did this, then headed to the living room were i could weigh on the wii fit and record my weight for the day, and also to the tenth of a pound. when i was done it said that i was 141.8, which i round up in my head, though i might just start using the numbers to the nearest tenth from now on... the wii has been really accurate for the last few days, at least when i weigh in my usual "Outfit".
epicly failed at fasting D: Total for today is at about 778. Ewww... less than 100 more than yesterday, so I'm probably fine, i might even lose, but i really don't want to take the chance. i AM going to workout, no excuses tonight. i can go as late as i want, as late as i need to.
Sadly, no concert tonight. promises apparently mean nothing in my household... so that means my exercise will be on the treadmill. at least this way i know how many calories i burn exactly...
Tomorrow is the day when i measure my body, and i think ill post the numbers here. the list of measured body parts will probably be substantially shorter than what i keep in my written measurement journal, but ill still probably do quite a few... above bust, bust, ribcage, waist, high hip/belly button, hip, thigh, calf, upper arm, lower arm, and wrist. I like to do a larger amount of body parts because it lets me know if i need to be careful, work on a specific body part, and if I'm making good progress.
That's all for now. i may post again later to show exactly what i ate, and how much i worked out and burned off. But if not, Bye and Night!
so, once again i told myself, and this blog, that i was going to work out. i always do this D: i didnt work out at all, just sat on my fat ass and skyped untill it was to late to work out. i dont think ive worked out ll week... the good thing is the only other thind i had was my tea and a half a cup of blueberries mixxed together, with two teaspoons of sugar, like a blueberry soup, kind of. one of my fave recipies ive come up with...
so total for today ended up being about 750. less than half of what i ate yesterday, and almost half of what i ate the day before, so im hoping to be back at 143 atleast, tomorrow. i also havent eaten since about 5-6ish, so its been at least six hours since i last ate. i can feel it, my stomache becoming empty... love the feeling... also measured waist to see if i was back down to where i was before gourging myself earlier today. i was almost there, so i should be fine by the morning...
Tomorrow im going to bring my large 32 oz water bottle with me to school, and aim to finish the entire bottle before i get out of school. then ill try to dring another 1-2 bottles at home, along with any ice i eat. i usually eat a few cups a day, but since ill be focusing on actual liquid water, it might just be a cup of two... the only problem with the water at school is that ill have to find time to use the bathroom...i could probably go before 4th hour since my teachers always late, during lunch and before 7th hour, since its on the way to my class, but i always pee alotalot when i drink any water in school... well i guess well se if it poses a problem tomorrow, and ill tweak my plans accordingly!
Besides skyping (Skypeing? hah), i did look at mega amounts of thinspo and blogs. i feel so strong and motivated, all ready to face whatever battles tomorrow throws at me.
Still unsure about the concert... i want to go, and i know ill burn mega calories walking around before, and dancing during, but i still have to find someone to go with... if the friend im counting on to go doesnt, i think im screwed... If anyone reads this, wish me luck!!!
I guess i can't eat 1700 calories without gaining two pounds D:
Found that out the hard way, i guess. Stepped on the scale, and there was that ugly number, the one that i was trying to get to just over a moth ago... it's amazing how fast things change, isn't it? One week your elated with a number, and then when you gain the weight you lost back, the number suddenly seem so ugly, so high...
Don't worry, though, im doing something about it haha. It's pretty easy not to eat breakfast or lunch, since in the morning i'm home alone, and at lunch, my teacher lets me stay in his room and i can avoid the lunch room entirely. its once i get home when eating becomes my problem. i usually start with something small, but then it usually makes the hunger worse. so i eat more. and more. and before i know it, i can eat 1000 calories (Its usually not that bad. thats just on my badbadbad days where i start with stupid decisions and end with a few more.) Today wasn't much different, but i kept in control, mostly. Well, not so much. had a total of 640 cals when i got home, and about 50 this morning, bring total for today to almost 700.
I plan to workout later, in about an hour probably, to burn off at least half of it, if my mom doesn't follow me into the workout room again :/ Also going to dring a large cup of white tea brewed at over three times normal strength before bed since green and white tea are suposed to be great for your metabolism.
Tomorrow, I'm suposed to be going to a concert, but who knows if i actually will. mom might change her mind, or something else might come up... or my mom might just change her mind. But whether i go or not, i think ill fast tomorrow, try to cleanse my system a bit... it will be super easy if i do go to the concert, and i can keep the money i dont spend on food. it will be harder if i dont go, but possible. If i dont fast, i plan on just working out alot, and trying to get in the negative for calories.
Today went... Ok, i guess. i woke up and weighed first thing. 143, which isn't bad considering that i ate about 1300 calories yesterday and didn't work out. school was as good as school gets, but when i got home i got a great surprise. i decided to weigh myself again since no one was home, and i could weigh in my underwear like i usually do (I didn't get to do it this morning because Wednesdays are my moms day off, and the scale is in her bathroom... i had to use the wii fit to weigh with my pjs on) i stepped on the scale, thinking that i would be 143, or 144 since i had eaten breakfast. but to my surprise, i got 142. i had to get on the wii fit to confirm this, but it said the same thing, that i had lost .7lbs from the morning weigh. i was so happy, but that's not really a good thing for me. i always over eat when I'm ecstatic, and today was no exception. Sigh. i did end up going to the pool for an hour, and i probably burned off some of it, but not enough. its never enough, is it? Oh, well. to late to purge now, so i guess we'll see where I'm at in the morning. Night!
So, this is new to me. I've been meaning to start a blog for a while, since I've found this online community that i can relate to. i should probably start by saying something about myself, but where would i begin? From the beginning? But where does that start? When did my mind become twisted? a year ago? Two? Three? Not even I am sure, so ill just start with today, and look ahead at the future...
