Well, first of all, sorry for the inconvenient way I've been posting. The only way I get Internet is if I go outside or miraculously find a connection in my room… Oh, and sometimes I find Internet when I'm sitting on the toilet. Oh joy.
Wait, now I don’t even have Internet if I go outside. Arggg… so from now on it will probably be from school or the library, until we actually get Internet. I had been using my unsuspecting neighbors… Sigh.
As for the rest of the day and how it went… on a scale of 1-10, where 1 is eat everything in sight, and 10 is eat nothing at all, and work out for an hour… I’d give myself a three, maybe a four. I didn’t eat everything in the house, but I did eat quite a lot, and didn’t work out either. But I did purge.
I ended up bingeing a total of four times (!!!) today, and I purged twice… how? Well, I threw up I'm the kitchen sink the second time, when I know I wouldn’t be interrupted. Wasn’t as easy as in the shower, but easier than kneeling at the toilet… I'll have to experiment with it a bit more…
Here is my intake for today before I get off the subject…
1 egg yolk, 3 egg whites - 110
1 English muffin - 130
2 bites breakfast Quesada – 50
Binge -
2 c. frosted flakes - 320
1 1/3 c almond milk – 47
4 servings sugar free Jell-O – 20
Binge -
3 slices bread - 210
1/2 tablespoon lite butter - 25
3 slices turkey - 25
Peanut butter – 200
½ c yogurt - 50
Diet minutemaid – 15
Binge -
Oatmeal – 50
Peanut butter – 100
Whole frozen yogurt oatmeal bar – 97
Popcorn – 250
Purge
Binge -
Peanut butter - 75
5 curly fries - 50
Ketchup - 50
Arby's sauce - 75
Java shake - 100
Frosted flakes - 160
Almond milk - 35
Turkey – 25
Purge
So, that was my day food wise. My calculation for the food I actually kept in me is about 1325 calories. Ughh… I need to stop with the super huge numbers… tomorrow is so going to be a gain… no getting around it. All I can hope for is that I'm only at 144 and not 145… I think I’m going to set a little goal for this week… I think I want to be down to 141 by Saturday. Pretty easy goal, since id only have to lose 3 pounds if I gain one tomorrow, and I’d like to think that some of the weight I will gain tomorrow is post binge/purge bloat… I hope it is anyway… plus usually when I go up really fast like this, my body lets me let go of the weight pretty easy if I don’t over do it on eating, and do a nice mid intensity workout… but I really do need to start working out everyday. I should be able to fit in a 25-30 minute workout in each day after school. And once I do it its out of the way…
Moving on…
Earlier, the thing I wanted to write about was the fact that I may not have even gained today. I weighted with shorts and a tee shirt on only, but sometimes if I take off my bra and panties that can cause me to go down. If I weighed on the wii, I might have gotten a good number, but when I did weigh on it, I had already eaten and drank some. No way to know if that was my real weight or not… IDK
There was one thing on my food intake list that I ate a lot of, multiple times. Peanut butter has got to be one of my bigger weaknesses. If I had just not eaten the PB today, I would’ve eaten over 300 calories less. I can eat that stuff by the finger or spoon full. We have a 4lb jar of it in the pantry right now, half gone, and I’ve probably eaten 75% of it. It calls to me each time I open the pantry door… I wish it would shut up… I think I need to move the jar to the back, hide it behind a few cans or something…
The last thing that I had made a note to write about is that I am going to eat as little as possible tomorrow. Yes I say this every day to myself, but for tomorrow I swear to try my hardest to avoid food in its entirety. This is probably not the best time to do this, as my mom is making a meal tomorrow that I specifically requested, so it would be odd of me not to have any. But the plans for tomorrow might allow me to workout before dinner, then purge after I eat a small portion. Then I might have some yogurt or a frozen oatmeal bar, like I had today. And if I have the bar, I need to actually freeze it all the way, not half, so it’s actually frozen, not cold. Or maybe a bag of lettuce, that’s only 60 calories… or I can just have a large salad, like half a bag, then a small portion of dinner, then save the rest of the lettuce for a night snack, and not have to purge. I need to get out of this cycle, anyways. I’ve binged/purged as much in the past two days as I do in a usual month…
The no purge option sounds the best, and maybe ill have a tiny bowl of yogurt before I go to the library tomorrow, so that I have something in my stomach before I workout, but it will be digested enough by the time I begin as not to upset my stomach. The energy should last through the trip to the library and my workout, and the workout should starve off the hunger enough to last me till dinner. If not, ill make myself go swimming or walk around the block, keep myself busy while burning additional calories. Plus if I walk long enough I can probably have a dessert yogurt or oatmeal bar… I’ve just got to stop eating at about 7ish. Hopefully dinner is done by then, because mom usually makes dinner pretty late. It usually ranges between 5:30 and 7.if she does make it late, ill probably just have dinner and then wait a bit and finish my lettuce a bit later, about 8:30ish. 30 calories wont harm me even after *dinner* time. I also need to start back up on doing sit-ups each night. Ill start at 50, like I did last time, and add 10 ever week or so, build it up so I can do hundreds in a row. I have abs, I promise you, they’re just kind of shy and hiding behind the fat.
I think I'm going to go to sleep. It’s a bit past two, and hopefully I can sleep in till around 11 tomorrow. Then laze around a bit, make my yogurt about 11:30, so it’s frozen and I can eat it before we go. I also need to do my hair before we leave, and ill probably do that after the yogurt is done. I need to clean my bedroom, my bathroom counter and sink, and do a load of laundry, both bedding and clothes. These things ill spit up between the parts of the day, before errands and after. I can probably do bedroom as I do hair, go back and forth, and then it should be time to go once I'm done with the pre-errand items. We’ll probably get back about 2-2:30ish, and then I’ll be at the workout room by 3 at the latest. I might try to drag it out so I can go a bit later, but it depends on my mood. Do I want to get it over with? Or do I want to wait it out, go right before I grab a snack, stuff my face, as to give me less time to wait for dinner, less time to screw it all up… I wont know until tomorrow, but I hope I’m strong enough to pick the latter, to be strong enough to resist the hunger until right before it consumes me, then, then go to the workout room, run on an empty stomach until just before I pass out, whittling myself down to perfection… then go home eat my meager portion of food, and then quite possibly leave to burn more calories. I hope. I hopehopehope I am strong enough. I still haven’t found that grain of strength in my veins, in my bones, if it even exists, but maybe tomorrow is the day I prove it to myself… Maybe.
Goodnight.
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