4p.m.
So, today has gone mostly as planned. I ate a bit more than I expected this morning, but not too much. I can still work it off times here if I go hard. Like really hard… I ended up having the yogurt, and two tablespoons of breadcrumbs. That should let me power through a few hundred calories… I also had some almond milk when I got back from the library, and a few swallows of minute maid I think I’ll go work out soon, maybe at 5ish, because mom is starting dinner, I think. I also need to go the corner store soon, get a soda so I can use the can in a school project were doing tomorrow…
While at the library, I got some of the things on my to at library list done, about half I think. I thought id have more time. I still got a few of the music videos I meant to, pro ana tips and quotes, a calories burned chart, fasting tips, flexibility moves, a general sizing chart for US clothing, vegan info, and I calculated my body fat. The only things I didn’t get was books, pro ana recipes, I didn’t do anything on blogger, didn’t get hair tutorials or thinspo downloaded, and I didn’t get any of the specific cal info. Oh well, I'm going to start going to the library after school if I can and I can get what I missed over the next week or two.
I haven’t had much time to read all the information that I found, as I only got up the website, did a quick read over to see if it was the info I wanted, then went on to find the next item on my list. That’s my personal homework for tonight, to at least skim all of the pages, and then save them to my computer so I have them whenever I need them.
As for my body fat, I was super surprised at the number I got. It was 21.51%. That’s in the lowest part of the fitness zone Crazy right? I exercise, but I don’t do it nearly enough, and its not as if I train or anything… I don’t really think its accurate, but ill just let myself be happy with the number until I can get to school tomorrow and try a few other web calculators, see if the one I used was actually accurate.
I don’t really have anything to write at the moment, so I guess ill read my info I found, save it and what not, then go workout.
7p.m.
Well, just finished my 6th binge in three days :[ I really need to stop this!
I’m about to go throw up, but I wanted to get my reasoning down in writing before I do so. The binge started with me grabbing a piece of garlic bread to eat on my way out the door, to the convenience store. I ate it, and that was that. I was full, and I may not have even eaten dinner. But I kind of had to, since it was a special meal that I've been asking about and mom finally made it. So I'm thinking, and it’s already past six, and I figure ill just eat first, then workout after. So I eat. I could’ve even stopped myself there, after the main part of the meal. But then I went back or another piece of garlic bread. By the time I finished that, I was so full, and felt I was about to burst. I knew I wouldn’t be able to efficiently work out, so I just decided I would purge everything I could, as that would get rid of more calories than working out at a pathetic pace. Then I ate two muffins to top it off. That was a few minutes ago, so now I'm going to jump in the shower to get rid of this crap inside me.
9p.m.
Got out of the shower about an hour ago. Threw up throughout the entire event of showering, to make sure I got as much as possible up. I chugged a bunch of soda before the first two times, then a lot of water, then took my time eating ice before the last two times. In the end, my stomach was clenching in agony, but at least I got as much up as I could…
Since then, I've had two muffins, and ten gummy vitamins. I’m so disgusted with myself. I just can’t stop, can I?
Now I’m drinking my Monster I got, so I probably won’t get more than four hours of sleep tonight. I deserve to suffer…
Calorie intake –
1/2 c yogurt - 50
1/4 tsp sugar - 4
2 tablespoons bread crumbs - 60
1 c almond milk - 35
Diet minute maid - 15
Binge-
Garlic bread - 210
Pasta - 200
Sauce - 150
Meatball - 40
Parmesan cheese - 60
Muffin - 370
Purge
Muffins – 320
Gum – 20
Vitamins – 150
Monster – 0
Total – 860
I hate myself
Moving on…
Haven’t cleaned at all… so that’s probably what ill spend my sleepless night doing. My room first, then my bathroom sink and counter. The laundry I needed to do is half done, my bedding and the last 1/3 of my clothes is in the dryer at the moment. I’m just waiting for the caffeine to kick in before I start cleaning. For now I type…
I still haven’t mentioned my weight yet, have I? It’s actually probably the highest point of my day. 142. Anyone else surprised? I sure was. When I got to weigh, both mom and her bf were in the kitchen/living room area, and I actually almost got to weigh like I usually do. I took off my jean shorts this time, but I didn’t take my tee off. Too risky. I had to weigh five times instead of three to make sure I wasn’t dreaming, or the scale wasn’t off. The battery is running really low, and sometimes it acts screwy when its hungry for batteries… finally I stopped, getting paranoid, and decided to accept the number as my real weight.
About twenty minutes later, I decided to weigh on the Wii also, so I had a record of today’s weight, and to confirm, my weight. I guess I still didn’t really trust the scale… I said my clothes (The shorts and tee shirt weighed 1lb, and weighed. It also said 142, exactly, and that I had lost 1.1lbs from yesterday. It was probably a little more than that, closer to 142.5lbs, but that’s still a loss from yesterday. I couldn’t believe it. Yesterday night, I knew, knew that I would gain. However, I didn’t. I guess I purged better than I thought. But still I would gain a bit from bloat and whatnot. However, I didn’t. I’m glad for that, and thankful, but puzzled. My calorie count was still so high, high enough that I should’ve gained a few pounds; at least that’s what it seems to me. However, I accept the number, and say thanks to my miraculous body for still shedding weight even after I stuff it full the body works in strange ways.
I think I’ve decided to go vegan. I just need to finish/get rid of the fish I have in the freezer. Fish is my favorite. It’s so good. It’s another one of my weaknesses. Besides fish, the only other kind of meat I like is turkey, but lately it seems that even that tasted off in my mouth. I can tell it makes my mom mad that I don’t like meat anymore, but I just don’t. Its not even something I can control, its just happening. However, it does play in my favor. It’s easier to resist something with meat in it if it tastes rancid if only to you… I got s book from the library with tons of recipes in it, so I’ll read that later if I still can’t sleep from the caffeine. I’ve yet to finish the part in The House on Mango Street I was supposed to read this weekend, but I’ll just read it while I wait for the bus and while I’m on it.
That’s about it for now, but I’ll probably write again before I go to sleep… off to clean!!!
11:30p.m.
I still haven’t done all that much cleaning, but I felt the urge to write. I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow, but I think I can push my little weekly goal a bit farther. If l lose tomorrow, or even if I'm still at 142, I think I'm going to try for the 130s this week. I think I can do it, I know I can do it, if I try hard enough. I can almost taste it. I can’t remember a time where I wasn’t in the 150s, except for last year when I was doing good, and now. I’m pretty sure I’m at my lowest weight since 4th/5th grade. Maybe 3rd…
Just a few minutes ago, I impulsively tried on my current goal jeans. I actually have about nine pairs of goal jeans, the first few pair going down by a size or two each pair. I just recently got into my first two pairs of goal jeans, about two weeks ago, maybe less. It felt great walking the halls in my first pair, even if they were still a size 11.
However, my current pair is a size 9. Still way to big, but I'm almost in them. I just need to lose about ½ an inch, maybe ¾ of an inch in my thighs for them to fit. And maybe ½ an inch in my hips. I’m just waiting for them to get to the point where the pockets don’t pucker at my hips from the jeans being to tight, and when I can slip the jeans on with out having to pull them up three or four times before they are all the way up my thighs. I really hate my thighs…
Earlier when I looked in the mirror, I could actually tell that I've lost some weight. These moment are rare for my, when I can remember what I looked like, and can actually compare myself then and now in my head. They’re rare, and last only a few moments. I savored this moment, pulling my tee shirt taunt against my hips, over my loosening yoga pants, both items where I think I need in a smaller size. I admired my ribs, which I can actually count now, looking in the mirror across the room. I pulled at the excess fabric that hung on my body. I also realized that along with new jeans, I think I need to go down a size in my cami tank tops. They still mostly fit in the ribcage area, but are too big in the waist, gaping in the hallow spot where my rib cage doesn’t meet in the middle. I actually have a tank in a size smaller, that I convinced my mom would fit me, and she got it because it was on sale. Its sitting in the drawer designated for my goal clothes that I haven’t hung up, the ones still so much smaller than would fit on this body. I need to check my theory on tank tops soon though. Other things that I think I need in a smaller size are new cargo pants. When I wore them last week, I had my phone in the side leg pocket, and had to keep yanking the pants up every time I took more than ten steps. Even that slight weight made me sag. It made me happy. But I'm still not sure if a small would fit, as that’s the next size down. They’re loose, but not too much so. I got the pants sometime last year, and they were slightly too tight for them to qualify as fitting. That didn’t really stop me from wearing them, though I now know that I shouldn’t’ve. They were tight in the thigh when I sat down and my legs spread out like a puddle of water. I’m honestly surprised I didn’t rip them, split them right down the seams.
As for jeans, I really just need new skinny jeans. The grey ones that I have are starting to stretch and get deformed like the last pair. When I got these ones, I didn’t switch sizes, as the jeans just stretched. This time though, I think I might fit into the smaller size, but it’s a long shot. The pants I’m talking about come in sizes small, medium, large, and extra large. I currently have a size large. The only thing that gives me hope is that last time when the jeans got stretched and deformed, they stayed tight in the calves, since they don’t move as much as the points in the knee, thigh and hip. My current pair are beginning to loosen in the calf. This gives me a shard of hope. Hope can be dangerous thing. Because if I try on the jeans and they don’t fit, more than likely ill be crushed into smithereens. It would kill me to get my hopes up so high, then to sink down so low…
On the upside, we probably won’t go shopping until another two or three weeks. That gives me more time to lose. By then, I might be working toward goal three. I might even have hit it, and be on my way to goal four. I can dream, but I can also make it happen. And I will. Everyday is a new one. And every yesterday is in the past, so I don’t plan on looking back and regretting this weekend, or even today. I just have to make sure I make the best out of tomorrow.
In other news…
I think I'm going to dye my hair again soon. Yay! Maybe even two different colors. I’m thinking maybe black on top, red on the bottom. Bright red. Red that’s in competition with Annie's red. That red. This would happen in another two or three weeks as well, once we get caught up with the bills and whatnot. I might also get my nose pierced, on the side though id much rather have it done in the middle, whatever you call it (Sorry, I know it, its just slipped my mind). Also, get my cartilage pierced, and try to convince mom to buy me a new pair of bigger gauges. I’m pretty sure a 8 will fit in my ear, even though I only have 12s in at the moment, but the 12s are pretty loose, and they move around a lot and fall out easily, like if I tap it the wrong way.
Its almost 12:20(Yeah, Yeah, I type slow. The document closed a few times too L) and my room is still a mess. The caffeine high is also beginning to wear off, so I'm going to clean real quick, then reed over the vegan cookbook I got, then proceed to pass out. Night!!
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