Updates

i could add this to the last post i made, what, 30 seconds ago, but nope. im going to be difficult
not much has happened. the scale says im about the same. the tape measure says i'm smaller. not sure if i believe either.
as for a social life, i actually seem to be getting one. score one for H. getting somewhere at least, right? finally got my first kiss, and bf. hes so frickin' adorkable (: being in love or lust or infatuation or whatever it is the best diet drug. last weekend was good on all aspects because i got to hangout with Him, some friends i hadn't seen in a while, and ate about 200 or so calories over three days. yippee. then i go and fuck it up. story of my life, right?
also, my moms bf ended up in jail. me and my mom get around a bit better without him around, so i actually enjoyed myself with her a bit. then she goes and bails him out. arg.
finally on winter break. so i can sleep and workout and sit around online at friends houses and noteat for a solid two weeks. no excuses. no period. no i-dont-have-time. no i have to get up early. the freedom is scary and exhilarating at the ame time.
lastly, all i've had today w/out purging or trying to is some black coffee with sweetener, and a couple of sips of a friends juice. then whatever i didn't purge for dinner tonight, and a couple sips of a drink that was basically liquid pudding. ick.
for tomorrow, i plan on maybe having a slice or two of dry toast, two packets of jello, coffee, waterwaterwater, tea, and thats probably it. 250-75 calories max (:
then if i workout for about an hour, lets say minimum of 300 calorie burn. and if i don't workout, ill probably go to the mall and walk around for 2-3 hours.
if not that even, ill just do a bunch of workouts in my room or where ever through out the day, and then a bunch before bed

Mkay, im done for tonight/today, however you look at it :b
Night
Xx - H

I fucking disappeared...

oops. i guess i actually had a few good days there. im going to miss that. i can already feel the normal slipping away, old habits gnawing back up my legs, trying to burrow themselves in the crevices of my broken innards. when i said good days, i just mean i actually felt ok. nothing was really different. still binging, still throwing up my dinner in the shower, the sounds masked by the water, bathroom fan, and my too loud music. wasn't restricting, but thats because i felt "in control" at the time, until it all came crashing down each night. shit... i don't think i'm going to be able to sleep tonight. once again. i just can't wait until the sun comes up, until it's appropriate to go home and escape my friends house so that i can work myself to nearly passing out tomorrow. yay. fml. i don't know what to think, what to do right now.

I'm sinking again.
Xx - H

Nothing really to report. havent been doing good or bad lately really. at about 140ish right now, give or take a bit since i had to eat the last few days to keep friends and family off my back. i really need to start working out to benefit the weightless. Lets start tonight, k? (:
besides that, i wanna be at 135 by christmas. not to hard, right? Eh. if i dont make it, imma be so pissed at myself. Wish me luck!

Love,
H

P.S.
thanks for the comments! I love each and everyone of you. I'm just to lazy to actually reply :b  Maybe i'll get to it next time.
Also, thanks to my new followers. 9 seems like a lot to me <3

Feels Good To Be Hungry Again...

So, quickquickquick update…

Last weekend, I don’t really remember exactly how I did… probably okish, edging toward the bad side… but oh well, its in the past now.

After that, I began to count cals more strictly, writing everything down again. Monday ate about 800 calories and… gained. Wth? I guess I’ve fucked up my metabolism up a bit more than I thought ://

Then after that all, I basically fasted all week until Monday, eating a few bites of lunch, and then the rest was liquids. Got down to about 142. Then ate about as any “normal” person would’ve eaten, basically, whatever I wanted through out the day without it turning into a binge, and still lost, bring me only a pound over my lowest weight.

Then it all went downhill this weekend. Binged and purged twice Saturday, and binged three times Sunday, but could only purge twice. Bleh. So, I ended up gaining a bunch. I’m ashamed and don’t really feel like typing the number. So I won’t. I’m hoping that some of it is water weight, so we’ll see…

On another note, I planned on joining the swim team. Mostly for the exercise, and the excuse it gave me to not eat Lol. The first practice was today, but I need insurance to participate. I don’t have it, and my mom’s being too cheap to even get my seasonal insurance, so there goes that idea probably. We’ll see what I can do…

Well, that’s about it I guess… I’ll try to post again/more.

Xx – H

P.S. Feels good to write everything down… I feel so much less stressed now Hah.

Quick...

I don't have internet at my house anymore, I guess my neighbors got theirs shut off... so now I'll be posting even more sporadically than i have been... typing this up quickly in biology, because it's the only chance i've gotten today. Sorry, and its not like i've been doing a great job of keeping up. Hope I'll be back soon.

Xx - H

Numb

Ok, so, I was supposed to fast today, but since I fail, it didn’t happen. Ate tator tots and salad for lunch… not horrible, but still, I wasn’t going to eat, wasn’t supposed to, and I did. So failure of day in my eyes.

I was so tempted to go into the bathroom after lunch and claw the food out of me. Even went as far as to ask the teacher for a bathroom pass. I probably would have to except there was a girl in the bathroom when I got in there, and one came in as the other left. I don’t know whether I’m grateful of that or not…

I’m hungry again since I’ve been binging lately.

On top of that, my stomach is killing me, and not even in hunger, which would be fine by me. It feels like I've eaten fire, and then a few handfuls of nails. I knew there was a reason I don’t like to at anymore. I just need to remember that, not have to constantly remind myself with the pain that comes along after I forget and give in.

Defiantly not eating dinner. I feel too sick. Will probably do a saltwater cleanse to clear myself out, and then another in the morning as well. Can’t be too careful. Gong to start bringing a water bottle to school as well. It serves as a reminder to drink water, and not to eat. I always end up drinking so much when I bring a water bottle I have to use the bathroom every hour if not more.

My mood keeps changing. One second I’m mad at myself. The next, I’m just mad in general. Then I’m on the verge of crying. Mostly I feel numb…

I just hope tomorrow is better…

Xx - H

So this will be a quick one...

K, so the last few days, have been total crap, and thats all on me. I've been a bingeaholic, and gained what feels like a lot, even though i'm only back up to about 145-146 again. Blahh.

Since it's after halloween and all, i'm just going to eat all the candy i can today and tonight, and get it over with. ill probably end up giving the rest away, or flushing it down the toilet...

Restarting again in a sense tomorrow... once again.

Already getting sick of the candy, but thats after quite a bit. i'm probably done for today except for another piece or two.


In other news...
Got new batteries for the wii, so i can get my weight to the tenth of a pound now, which is awesome.
I haven't been able to sleep much if i have food in my stomach lately. I'll fall asleep, but won't sleep well. Going to bed with no food in my stomach is the only way to ensure a good nights worth, and that means no more eating after around 4ish, or purging and then going to sleep. i prefer the first option...

And last but not least, since I'm restarting once again, i think i'm going to fast for a few days, and then start the ABC diet... I've tried to do both befroe, but I think i might actually have some success this time since i've made myself sick with candy today. I don't know, i'll probably post again later tonight or tomorrow morning once i think it all trough.


Thats it for now.
Xx - H

Back On Track :)

So, I haven’t posted since Sunday. Bad me. Besides that, I've been doing really well if I do say so myself. Well on food at least, not so much on exercise. Give me another day or two and ill be back on the treadmill each day.

Food wise, I’m in control for once I feel. Sunday my calculations were pretty close. Total of about 700. Monday was about the same. Ended up almost fasting since I passed out the minute I got home from studying at the library, but then when I woke up a few hours later, I thought I should eat something, but got a bit out of hand. It could’ve been so much more, so I’m just going to accept what happened…

Yesterday I planed on having a snack when I got home, maybe some chex mix or something like that, about 2-300 calories or so, and I did have that, but then on top of that was basically force-fed dinner. Blehh. Ended up purging a lot though, as much as I could, and did yet another sea salt water cleanse. (These are my new best friends. I’ve pretty much convinced my mom I can’t really eat at the moment, since my stomach gets so upset each time I do… Hah) so I'm not sure how much I actually kept inside me, but it was pretty low, I'm almost positive…

Today went really well too… all I’ve eaten is about a tablespoon or strawberry jelly. I was so tempted to eat, but I refrained. I just had the jelly to see if it would get rid of my hunger headache I’ve had all day. It helped a bit, but next time ill just take some pain pills. Jelly for dinner, and i had a few sips of chocolate milk at lunch, because after I told friends that I haven't had much to eat in the past few days, they were pushing me to eat... Note to self, be careful what you say to certain people -.-

As for weight… I finally lost! Yay, happy dance. Dropped to 144 (two pounds!! (: ) after my almost fast Monday… not exactly sure how it happened since I ended up binging instead of fasting… I’m pretty sure I’ve lost since then too, but haven’t been able to weigh… I need batteries for the Wii fit. That way I can weigh without sneaking into my moms room, worrying or getting caught weighing myself constantly. It’s not weird if it’s a videogame. Plus, I actually like doing the stair step while watching TV… extra workout.

Last but not least… I can already tell that I’m losing some of the gained inches again. Yay! My thighs and calves are each down ≥ ½inch, and my waist, hips and bust down closer to ¾ - 1 inch.

Feels great to be back on track.

Night,

Xx - H

Failure

Three words. Epic Fucking Fail. That’s all I can say… about tonight, about me. William, I just read your comment, and I feel like I failed you as well. Three binge days in a row… I wish I could say that this is the worst, but I’ve had worse periods…

Can’t even purge, because I already finished my shower, can’t take another, and I cant make myself purge into the toilet. It’s just impossible. I don’t know why, but I just can’t do it. If only they were asleep, I would do it in the kitchen sink, but that’s not an option either.

Doing another one of my sea salt cleanses, and I can feel it working right now… give it another 10 minutes max and I’ll be on the toilet again… oh joy. Better than allowing this food sit inside me. I think once I feel emptied out from the first glass of my “magic water” I’ll force down another one. Just to make sure, just to be safe. I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight…

Just added everything up… my totals for today is about 600-700 calories. Not bad, I guess. Just seems so horrible since I was actually having a good day for once. Ugh. Not sure if I’m going to fast tomorrow, or just start ABC diet. Not my cheaters version, but the real one… we’ll see I guess. I think this is my last post for the night, but that might change… if not,

Night-night

Xx – H

P.s. is this too much writing? Should I compress my day into just one post? Its just easier for my to write what I’m thinking when I’m thinking it…

Tictacs

Just got back from the store. Stupid me bought tic-tacs. Stupid me put them in my pocket instead of the bag. Stupid me opened the container. Stupid me shook out a tic-tac and ate it. Fast-forward, they’re all gone, and now my stomach hurts. Blehh. Now I have 114 calories inside me. I was doing good too.

On the bright side, I got hair dye, and I’m going to dye it tonight. Fun fun. I’ll probably do it just before dinner is done so I’ll have an excuse not to eat. Mom didn’t really buy the whole still not feeling good bit.

I'm starting to cramp, and I know what that means… it seems I’m in a cycle. I get super motivated right before my period, and then all hope ceases to exist once I start -.- I hope I don’t let that happen this time, but I feel as if I can stay on track this time. I will workout, at least a bit every day, and I will not eat everything in sight.

I think I’ll have my monster now, so it will be kicked in by the time I start my hair, which will probably be in about half an hour. And I think ill save my mints for tomorrow since I already ate the tic-tacs. Ill save them for lunch tomorrow… Dinner for today will consist of probably about a quart of green tea, if I have enough teabags left… I hope so.

Workout, Weight&&Measures

So… didn’t really warm up, I just walked to the convenient store a block and a halfish away, and bought myself a monster and some altoids smalls. My two favorite things… >30 calories for both. That’s probably my dinner if I can last that long. ^^

I only burned about 200 calories… last night made me weak. I plan on doing jumping jacks and sit-ups throughout the day though, make some of it up, along with some yoga later maybe.

Still haven’t had the chance to weigh, but I didn’t sweat all that much working out, and I’ve only had a few sips of water so far, so I should be able to get a pretty accurate weight when I do get the chance.

Also, if I make it to dinner without eating, I might just do another salt water cleanse again… make sure I’m totally cleared out. I’d already be about 24 hours into my fast, so I could just keep going tomorrow, maybe do a 3-day one.

20 mins later…

Finally got the chance to weigh… either I was higher than I thought yesterday, or I just didn’t lose. I hope it’s the first one, because if I suffered like that and just stayed the same, well that would majorly suck.

Plans for today:

≥500 jumping jacks

≥200 sit ups

≥20 minutes yoga (Maybe)

Probably going to have my monster and altoids for dinner as I said, and lots of green tea today, and if I have sugar in it, only about a tsp per cup… As I said, mom is making dinner, but I’m only going to eat if I absolutely have to, like if my mom makes me… and even then it will probably be a bowl of broccoli maybe 40 calories. Anyway, I’d still be in the negatives baby! (:

OHOHOH, almost forgot, measures! Only going to do the basic ones so I don’t have a huge list -.-

Bust – 34.5in.

Waist – 27.25in.

Hip – 38in.

Thigh – 23.5L 23R in.

Calf – 14.75L 15R in.

Sigh. I’m such a fat fuck, but I’m working on that, right?

Wish me luck in avoiding the dreaded pot roast tonight!

Xx - H

Running on Empty

So, I cant weigh myself yet, which sucks some major points from today already -.- I mean, I probably could, but the scales in my moms bathroom, and the doors closed for some reason… it probably smells like a couple zombies are rotting or something. I don’t want to wake my mom up, or die from the fumes, so I guess ill have to either have to wait to eat or drink anything and wait to workout, or I can just go workout now, and try to get an accurate weigh in later/tomorrow. I’m really in the mood to workout, jumpstart my day, and I’m not to super worried about my weight since, well last night. So I guess I’ll put the scale second this time, which while I’m not worried per say about what I weigh, I still want to know it… I can’t win, oh well.

So, now a plan… I’ve yet to do measurements, so that’s defiantly next. Ill post them later tonight or tomorrow if I don get the chance. Then I think I’ll warm-up here at home, stretch, do some jumping jacks, maybe 100 or so sit-ups… I think I’m going to try to run about a mile outside, about 3 times around my apartment complex block, if its not too too cold. It’s about 57 right now, but I get cold so easy. I’ll wear a sweater. Them run maybe another mile on the treadmill, and do some walking on an incline. I’ll top it all off with a ride on the stationary bike.

This all sounds good for me, so I’m going to measure, then go get it done. Hopefully I burn some major calories, and can get through this alive.

Xx - H

Green Tea, Salt Water&&Ickyness

So, once I finished my shower, I got dressed and whatnot, then didn't do much. I emptied myself out pretty good though, at least I hope so... pasta tasted a bit better going down, but I really wasn't paying attention to flavor. I had to force the last few bites down, and once I did, my stomach was screaming at me. I gulped down a bunch of water, and got it over with. My throat hurt afterwards, but not as bad as yesterday. It feels fine now.

After lying around a bit and being lazy, I decided to have some tea before my stomach started wanting food again, and also remembered a little tip/trick thingy I read somewhere. If you mix sea salt with warm water, you get something that works like a laxative, and since I used the rest of my moms last month (she’s going to be mad when she realizes I used them. oh well.) I heated up about 1 1/2 cups of water and added about a tablespoon of sea salt. I’m warning you, if you do this, its nasty. I had to force myself to drink it all, and gagged and almost threw up with each sip. I guess it was worth it though, because I’m writing this from the toilet (tmi?) because every time I go to lie down and get comfy, I just have to get right back up.

I’m trying to keep myself hydrated, but I don’t think it’s working, because I've been shitting nothing but liquid for the past hour or so... I’m leaning toward the "this is good side" rather than the opposite because this allows me a clean start tomorrow, ill be all clean inside, and more than likely ill lose a pound or two, even if its just water weight.

Did around <500 jumping jacks, and I've done 150 sit-ups so far plus 2 30 second plank things... I want to do maybe 50 more sit-ups and 2 more sets of planks, along with some more stretching (I've been watching YouTube videos of yoga/stretches all day, and seeing what I can do... I'm already pretty flexible, but want to be more so ^^)

Also, instead of starting my modified ABC diet tomorrow, I think I might just fast if I can. I've yet to go an entire day without eating, and its because I either last the day, and either give in to parents or my rumbling stomach, or I eat something early, then slightly to late realize I shouldn't have eaten at all. The fast might not work, since mom is cooking a big diner tomorrow, but I should be able to convince her I'm still sick... if I don’t think ill be able to, ill probably have some egg whites for breakfast with a small bowl of oatmeal, celery and a half serving of vegan chili I have left in the fridge for lunch, and a bowl of steamed broccoli with soy sauce and a few radishes for dinner. Then workout for about 30-45 minutes if I’m not too tired... Planed intake - >400 If I workout - >100ish

Oh, and I cant forget to do measurements in the morning... ill probably post weight and measures first thing tomorrow, or whenever I get the chance.

Yawn... I think I’m going to go to sleep... If I ever get off this toilet ://  ... Night everyone

Xx H